Are We Dating The Same Guy? is a series of over 120 individual Facebook groups where women share red flags about individual men and check that he is not dating another person.[1] It is done by taking screenshots of a man's dating profile and posting it onto her city's designated Facebook group, asking "any tea?". Other users in the group will then share information about the man and share warnings.[2][3] The groups are moderated by volunteers,[3] and have been described as a feminist group.[4]

Posts are supposed to include a first name and a photo, but not addresses. Posts are generally vetted by moderators. Users attempting to join the groups are also examined to prevent postage of fake profiles.[3]

The group often mocks men for their body or appearance.[5][6] According to Vice, the men being posted about have no way to defend against accusations made about them, and on the other hand, posters cannot prove their stories unless backed up by others.[2] Often times, members post pictures alongside personal information such as his name, which may infringe on that person's legal right to privacy. Lawyers have said these issues can lead to a defamation lawsuit,[7][8] and members can make false allegations and create fabricated stories.[8][9][10] If members tell the man that he's been talked about on the group, the "snitch" will be banned and be "exposed to the whole group".[11][3]

History

The first Are We Dating The Same Guy group was created in March 2022 in New York City.[8]

A male counterpart, named "Are We Dating the Same Girl NYC" was created for New York. It had mostly the same guidelines and rules to the original. When the original Are We Dating The Same Guy group found it, they said that it was disgusting and unacceptable for men to post screenshots of women's dating profiles, failing to realise that they were doing the same thing. Many people in the men's group were called incels.[12]

Men's rights activists have taken a dislike to these groups and have got multiple North American groups shut down by running target campaigns and Facebook reporting. There are also Reddit communities dedicated to get rid of Are We Dating The Same Guy.[3]

In October 2023, Sera Bozza of Body+Soul wrote that consistently using Are We Dating The Same Guy can "affect your real-world view". She wrote that "A few stories of cheating may persuade you to believe that all men are unfaithful".[13]

Concerns

Lawyers and commentators have expressed concern that the groups fail to acknowledge the legal right to privacy and users can create false allegations and fabricated stories,[8][9][10] and cyberbully men[8] without them being able to defend themselves.[2] This may lead to a defamation lawsuit.[7][8]

The New York Times and others have described the group as defamatory and toxic.[14][2][6] Some have claimed that the groups are pick apart men and are man-hating.[15]

In 2023 a 41 year old man sued the administrators of the London group for $35,000 under defamation, alleging that the group "called names, accused of sending lewd photos and of being a bad parent".[16]

The Independent reported that men who have been posted on the dating groups have felt violated, and that even if reviewed positively by potentially thousands of strangers, the men being discussed about may have their reputation slightly decreased due to the association with being on the groups. The Independent also reported that some men believe that the groups are created to spread lies or mock them.[3]

By country

Australia

In Australia, there are groups for multiple cities including Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Perth, Brisbane and Rockhampton with many having several thousand members.[11] The Sydney group has 30,000 members.[13]

In March 2023, the Adelaide version of the group, which had 7,000 members, was shut down.[17]

Canada

In 2023, a group was started for Ottawa by 37 year old Alicia Mercer. She previously was in a relationship full of "cheating and lies", which prompted her to creating the Facebook community.[7]

In 2023, the group for Vancouver and British Columbia was shut down after concerns about men being unable to protect themselves against false allegations.[10][15]

New Zealand

In New Zealand, the community is called "Do We Have The Same Boyfriend". The group gained 19,000 users in its first 24 hours.[18] A few cheating men have been discovered on the group, however it is not common. Netsafe, an online safety organisation of New Zealand, advises users of the group to familiarise themselves with the Harmful Digital Communications Act to ensure that posts do not lead to "harmful consequences".[9]

United Kingdom

The group for the United Kingdom was created in May 2022.[19] There are groups for London, Nottingham and Swindon. The London group has over 72,000 members as of October 2023.[3]

United States

There is a group for Hudson Valley which has 2,700 members as of July 2023.[20] The New York group has over 1.8 million members. Groups in Boston and Raleigh have been shut down.[15]

Ireland

There is a group for Dublin and Ireland, which has 7,900 as of 5 June 2023.[21]

References

  1. ↑ "Are we dating the same guy? This Facebook group might know". Mashable. 2023-02-20. Archived from the original on 2023-06-15. Retrieved 2023-06-13.
  2. 1 2 3 4 Lavinia, Emilie (2023-05-26). "The Dark Side of 'Are We Dating the Same Guy' Groups". Vice. Archived from the original on 2023-06-11. Retrieved 2023-06-13.
  3. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 "Inside the secret network of women naming and shaming their bad exes". The Independent. 2023-10-12. Retrieved 2023-10-16.
  4. ↑ ""Are We Sharing Boyfriends?:" Toxic Dating Trend or Modern-Day Feminism?". Hypebae. 2022-04-11. Archived from the original on 2023-08-05. Retrieved 2023-08-05.
  5. ↑ Mussen, Maddy (2023-02-08). "Are We Dating The Same Guy: what really happens in the divisive Facebook group?". Evening Standard. Archived from the original on 2023-07-26. Retrieved 2023-06-13.
  6. 1 2 "A Dating App Sociologist on Facebook Dating Groups". theSkimm. 2023-08-19. Retrieved 2023-08-26.
  7. 1 2 3 "Facebook groups warning women about online daters could be a risky business". Archived from the original on 13 June 2023. Retrieved 14 June 2023.
  8. 1 2 3 4 5 6 "Posted to 'Are We Dating the Same Guy?': What to Do - Minc Law". www.minclaw.com. Archived from the original on 2023-08-05. Retrieved 2023-08-05.
  9. 1 2 3 Casey, Alex (2023-03-27). "Inside the rise of Do We Have the Same Boyfriend Facebook groups". Stuff. Archived from the original on 2023-06-14. Retrieved 2023-06-14.
  10. 1 2 3 Rather, Cornellius (2023-06-04). "Are We Dating the Same Guy? | Vancouver / British Columbia Shut Down". Are We Dating The Same Person. Archived from the original on 2023-08-05. Retrieved 2023-08-05.
  11. 1 2 "Inside wild 'dating' groups exposing Australian men". Archived from the original on 7 March 2023. Retrieved 14 June 2023.
  12. ↑ "Inside the Secret Facebook Group Where Women Review Men They've Dated". Glamour. 2022-10-26. Archived from the original on 2023-06-17. Retrieved 2023-06-17.
  13. 1 2 "If you're single, don't join these secret Facebook groups". Body+Soul. 25 October 2023. Retrieved 29 October 2023.
  14. ↑ "Don't Worry, He's All Right, According to at Least One Woman". 2023-07-31. Archived from the original on 2023-08-05. Retrieved 2023-08-05.
  15. 1 2 3 Treynor, Olivia (2023-07-21). "Would you dox a bad date?". Document Journal. Archived from the original on 2023-08-26. Retrieved 2023-08-26.
  16. ↑ "Defamation case underscores how reality is hard to discern in online dating, says anthropologist". CBC News. Archived from the original on 26 August 2023. Retrieved 26 August 2023.
  17. ↑ "Controversial Facebook group exposing men shut down". Archived from the original on 2023-06-14. Retrieved 2023-06-14.
  18. ↑ "'Do we have the same boyfriend?': Kiwi gals flood FB group exposing cheating men and it's wild". theedge.co.nz. Archived from the original on 2023-06-14. Retrieved 2023-06-14.
  19. ↑ Curiously, Rebecca Lockwood-Content Creator / (2023-02-11). "Are We Dating The Same Guy group where women exchange notes on dates debunked". OK! Magazine. Archived from the original on 2023-06-17. Retrieved 2023-06-17.
  20. ↑ "Are we dating the same guy? A local Facebook group may tell you". Archived from the original on 2023-08-05. Retrieved 2023-08-05.
  21. ↑ "Irish women using secret Facebook group to screen men for 'red flags' and 'toxic' behaviour". SundayWorld.com. 2023-08-05. Archived from the original on 2023-08-05. Retrieved 2023-08-05.
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