Nesbitt family

Robert "Rab" C. Nesbitt

Gregor Fisher [1988–]. alcoholic without denial, sarcastic, deadbeat, self-styled "street philosopher" and "sensitive big bastard", although "sensitive by Govan standards". Described by his wife Mary as not "an unemployed person" but "the original unemployed person", Rab is very rarely seen in anything other than a shabby pinstripe suit, plimsolls, a filthy headband and a string vest. He has two sons, Gash and Burney. Rab has four brothers, all dead; Rab only survived because he was the only one out of the five who was able to understand the benefits form. He claims to have been talented as a teenager, but never went anywhere with it due to Govan-dwellers being scared of talent when they saw it and tried "tae batter it tae death wi' empty wine bottles". At some point before the episode "Clean" he managed to clean up his act, giving up alcohol, helping around the house, finding religion, and presiding over a temperance group; so far he has only relapsed on-screen twice. He is also shown to break the fourth wall.

Mary "Mary Doll" Nesbitt

Elaine C. Smith [1988–]. Rab's long-suffering wife, more functional and aspirational than her husband. Claims that on the day she was born it was a toss-up whether she or the dog's litter would end up at the bottom of the river Clyde in a sack (Burney: "She won. There's nae bloody justice, eh?"). Currently runs a successful house-cleaning business with Ella Cotter called the "House Mice". Mary has repeatedly split up with Rab over the course of the show as has often flirted with other townsfolk to try to get back at him. However, somehow, she and Rab always seem to get back to together, usually for the sake of the "weans" ("little ones"). Mary has had a lot of odd-jobs over the years, often taken as a quickie to pay off a final demand bill or outstanding arrears. Mary has stuck by Rab through many tough situations over the years.

Gash Nesbitt

Andrew Fairlie until 2008, Iain Robertson since 2010 [1988–]. The Nesbitts' elder son. Described by his father as "so anal-retentive he's still shitein' rusks." Has dabbled with Christianity, hard drugs, Hare Krishna, Scottish nationalism, and ram-raiding BT shops in his efforts to find himself. He has an on-off girlfriend, Bridie, and by the time of the show's return, now has a teenage daughter, Peaches, whom the Nesbitts dote upon. Rab has often taken more interest in Gash than his other son, Burney, and seems to favour Gash as he doesn't give as much lip. Fairlie left the role following the 2008 special, and Robertson was re-cast in the role and appeared from 2010.

Burney Nesbitt

Eric Cullen [1988–1993]. The Nesbitt's younger son, who briefly dabbled with neo-Nazism. Was also discovered to be gifted at painting, although gave up this avenue when he realised it wasn't getting him any sex. Burney often gave his father more grief than his brother, and often became more of a nuisance in his father's eyes. Actor Eric Cullen left the programme following series three due to personal issues, and was replaced by David McKay's Screech. Cullen died in 1996, shortly after he was asked to return to the role of Burney for the 1997 series. In the 2008 Christmas special, it is revealed that Burney died in a "ramming" accident and was buried nearby.

Screech Nesbitt

David McKay [1994–1997]. Rab's nephew, who replaces Eric Cullen's Burney from 1994. Screech comes to live with the Nesbitts after Burney goes to live in at a boarding school. Screech is much more outspoken that his predecessor, and has much more of a rebellious side. He seems to get along with Gash better than Burney did. Actor David McKay earlier portrayed Young Young McGurn's son Bimbo in "That's Entertainment", and was cast in the role of Screech following his initial appearance in 1992. McKay left the role in 1997.

Cotter family

James Aaron "Jamesie" Cotter

Tony Roper [1988–]. Rab's longtime friend, as well as chronic serial philanderer and self-described 'scumbag'. Jamesie is always seen with his trademark shabby sports jacket and bottle of Irn-Bru. On one occasion, he was described by his wife as "a slippery-lookin' article, about 93-year-old, wearing crusty jeans, with the eyes of an unemployed rapist". On several occasions he has played the part of the devil on Rab's shoulder, urging him to take up drinking again in "Clean". His attitude towards women (he is very keen on having sexual relations with any number of women but refuses to trust them) is implied to have stemmed from a traumatic relationship with his cancer-ridden mother; he spent much of his childhood tending to her, receiving little but abuse in return. It was known that he was once a football player until sustaining a shoulder injury which had forced him to quit.

Ella Cotter

Barbara Rafferty [1988–]. Jamesie's fiery wife, with her red beehive haircut and leopard skin coat. Seems to loathe her husband and frequently considers murdering him. In the meantime, she enjoys torturing him on occasion, notably breaking his shoulder with a crowbar and scratching his sunburnt chest. She has stabbed him at least once. She is every bit as promiscuous as Jamesie. She is part of a house-cleaning business with Mary, called The House Mice. Ella and Jamesie have never had children, due to the fact that Ella had gynaecological problems, a fact which Jamesie cruelly rubs in her face when he gets another woman pregnant.

Pub regulars

Andra

Brian Pettifer [1988–]. One of Rab's best friends, described more than once as looking "like a Ninja Turtle". Married to a woman called Bobbie whom he finds so repulsive that he dry heaves when thinking about sleeping with her. Andra has a comb-over haircut and is often mocked for being less adventurous than his counterparts. Andra was a regular in the Two Ways Inn before its closure, and quickly transferred his custom to the Giblet. Pettifer reprised the role for the 2014 special, the only pub regular to appear in the episode.

Dodie

Alex Norton in 1988, Iain McColl since 1990 [1988–2011]. Another of Rab's best friends. Dodie is implied to be fond of unconventional methods of intoxication, e.g. sniffing shoe polish, and had an interest in crossdressing also. He too, like Andra, has an insufferable wife whom he loathes and he retches when he thinks about sleeping with her. Dodie did not appear in the 2008 special or Series 9. He also didn't appear in the 2014 special, as McColl had died in 2013 following complications from a cancer diagnosis. McColl was not replaced in the role.

Dougie

Charlie Sim [1988–1992]. The barman of the Two Ways Inn. He was the original owner of the pub before handing the pub over to Norrie following his retirement. Dougie was much more bitter and sour than his successor, and was less tolerant of the acts of the pub regulars than his successor. Sims left the role in 1992 and was replaced by Kazek in the role of Norrie.

Norrie

John Kazek [1992–1999]. The barman of the Two Ways Inn. Norrie takes over the running of the pub after Dougie gives up the job. Norrie is much more tolerant but often steps in when violence is about to break out. Norrie has more of a sensitive side and is willing to show some sympathy when required. He tries to update the pub with foreign grub and games machines. Before he worked in the pub, he was a psychiatric nurse.

Camille

Cora Bissett [2010–]. The barmaid of The Giblet since its opening in 2010. During the episode "Passion", she was the object of both Gash and Jamesie's affections. Bisset did not appear in the 2014 special. Again, it is not known whether she had left the role or was unavailable at the time of filming. She replaced Kazek when he decided not to return to the series.

Recurring cast

Hugh "Shug"

Sean Scanlan [1990–1999]. Mary’s maternal cousin, Hugh feigns Englishness or at least pretends to be a middle-class Scot due to Scottish cultural cringe and to the distaste displayed at anything working-class and/or Scottish by his wife Phoebe. Hugh is Mary's cousin, and moved to Sidcup at some point in the 1980s.

Phoebe

Sara Corper until 1993, Sarah Crowden until 1996, Juliet Cadzow since 1999 [1990–1999]. An extremely middle-class English woman, married to Hugh. Phoebe is ashamed of his Scottish roots and often displays her disgust when his heritage begins to show.

Bridie

Nicola Park [1998-2011]. Gash's on-off girlfriend, with whom he has a daughter, Peaches. Bridie first appeared in Series 8, and returned to the role for the ninth and tenth series. Again, Park did not appear in the 2014 special, and it is unknown whether Park has left the role or was unavailable for filming.

Peaches Nesbitt

Rachael Crossan until 2011, Anna Devitt since 2014 [2010–]. Gash and Bridie's daughter, upon whom all the Nesbitts dote. Peaches is a teenager by the time of the 2014 special. Crossan originally portrayed Peaches for series nine and ten. However, she did not return for the 2014 special and Devitt was cast in the role instead, making her first appearance.

Notable one-time characters

"John William Pure Mad Mental Intae Yoor Body Simpson Craig Gemmell Chib The Bam Rib-Racker No Real Young Rebel Ya Bas St. John McGurn aka Young Young McGurn". Portrayed by Maurice Roëves in That's Entertainment. a local "psychotic, with cannibalistic tendencies" who regularly threatens to eat people who displease him. McGurn's family burgle and vandalise local houses with impunity. Unfortunately for Jamesie Cotter, he chose to "whap the meat up" McGurn's daughter Tracey, a fact that very nearly got him eaten himself. In spite of the fact that "no decent human being could hope to strike up a rapport with him", he seems to be quite agreeable towards Rab, entrusting him with his darkest secret: he is a cannibal with false teeth. He commits suicide by jumping from the terrace of a tower block, killing a police inspector, two social workers and a psychologist in the process.

"Gash Nesbitt Sr". Portrayed by Sylvester McCoy. Rab's brother, after whom he named his son. Gash Sr was once highly intelligent but very sensitive, and developed mental illness, either following or coinciding with a period of particularly intense ill treatment by Rab B. Nesbitt, their father. Gash is usually a resident of a special home, yet managed to escape (or merely unconsciously wandered away) to be briefly taken in by the rest of the Nesbitt family during the episode "Father".

"Isa Nesbitt Anna Welsh" (older) & "Ann-Louise Ross" (younger). Rab's mother, a typical Govan housewife, described as being so self-conscious she would put a dish-towel over her knees while watching television because she thought Trevor McDonald could see up her skirt. Rab is shown to have been very close to her, as he describes her as "one of the finest human beings ever to walk this Earth". She died during a gallstone operation in Series 4.

"Robert "Rab" B. Nesbitt". Portrayed by Ronnie Letham. Rab's cantankerous father, described by Gash Sr. as "a monster, a vile, cruel, unpredictable sadist". He blamed his failure on his family and frequently accused his children of holding him back and ruining his life. His moods reduced his wife Isa to a nervous wreck. His preferred victim was his gifted but sensitive son Gash, whom he ultimately drove to insanity through humiliation and abuse. He died from a heart attack when Rab C. finally stood up to him.

"Old Shep". Seen in That's Entertainment". Rab's pet canary which he trains to attack people's groins. Rab is shown to be very fond of his pet and refers to him as a "pit bull canary". Shep was killed during Young Young McGurn's suicidal dive from a tower block, and was given a Viking funeral, with an empty beer can as the boat and part of a Corn Flakes box as a sail.

"Peter The Warlock". Portrayed by Peter Mullan from 'Life Has Meaning'. A Devil worshipper who, after feeling insulted by Rab, places a hex on him, resulting in a dart embedding itself into Rab's cranium. Owns a cloak allegedly once owned by Aleister Crowley (but is most often seen naked) as well as a dog with a unicorn-like horn. Last seen sprinting naked down the street pursued by a furious, pitchfork wielding, Rab.

"Davina". Portrayed by David Tennant. A transgender barmaid who, despite highly speculated gender, holds the affection of everyone.

"The Dosser". Portrayed by Russell Hunter in Ethics. A tramp who attempts to kill himself by jumping into the River Clyde within sight of Rab, who rescues him. The Dosser then blackmails Rab into taking care of him by threatening to commit suicide if he doesn't. In the end, Rab hires a hitman to get rid of him but attempts to call him off when he discovers that the whole thing is a scam.

"The Hitman". Portrayed by Freddie Boardley in Ethics. A hitman hired by Rab to do away with the tramp who is conning him. Appears to have made his career choice by reasons of enjoyment rather than necessity, as when Rab asks him to desist from the murder but keep the money he responds "keep the money, I'll just dae the malky anyway!" In response, Rab hits him over the head with a bin lid (trashcan cover), and he falls into the river, sinking from sight; this prompts Rab to say "An' I always thought shite floated."

"Mambo". Portrayed by Kevin Bridges. Seen living in a lift after he is kicked out of his house for keeping a dolphin in a bathtub. The dolphin had bit his hand off so he decided to get a dog (a Jack Russell). Jamesie pays him 50p to watch his bed which he was planning to give to an immigrant living in a flat but, when he comes back, Mambo and the bed and all of his possessions he had in the lift are gone. He is last seen by Ella coming down the street with the bed.

"The Heebie Jeebie". Voiced by Russell Hunter in Drink. Is a pink elephant that only Rab can see (Cotter can see it at the end of the episode). It tries to convince him not to give up drinking.

"Chingford Steel". Portrayed by Richard E. Grant. The government minister for work whom Mary takes hostage and was made to dress up like Rab and make a ransom video in Scottish accent. He was later freed.